One afternoon, a long while ago, walking through the supermarket after embarrassing myself with an acquaintance this thought struck me out of nowhere. Well not entirely out of nowhere, but the sentence was clear; ‘You can do no wrong, there is nothing to fix’. How could this really be true? I had come across this healing message before. The first time it was said to me, was after I came out of the rabbit hole and found myself at a Raja Yoga centre meditating. ‘You are not broken, there is nothing to fix’, was placed in my mind much the same way. A sentence out of nowhere, clear and precise. But where does this idea of being ‘broken’ come from? When I looked at myself objectively, I seemed to fumble in the presence of certain people. I often wondered how obvious it was that my solar plexus was going nuts, that I was recoiling into a default of always needing to do better. It felt ingrained in me that no matter how much I tried, no matter what I did, there was always more to heal. I marvelled at those who have self-confidence pegged, who naturally felt as thought they had a right to stand in their own space. But I knew I did not have this temperament, nor this natural ability to believe in myself when the external world was saying the opposite.
It began with my temperament. I am a heart based creature. I perceive through my heart, others, and when this heart of mine is filled with Source connection, I love pretty much any one who comes across my path. Yet when I feel out of whack, even popping into the local bakery for a Soya Mocha seems challenging. One side ways look and I would feel close to climbing back into my car, empty-handed. Oversensitivity is hard to work with. I would speculate, am I oversensitive because I am empathic, a Scorpio, or just human? Probably all three come into play, but because I felt everything, it placed me in a position of vulnerability. This is when I would make mistakes, this is when I would get hurt and feel broken as a result.
So logically I would think, in this physical world there are rules I must follow in order to avoid this pain, this vulnerability, so I do not feel broken. I would keep my mouth shut, become submissive, say sorry too much and apologise for things I did, that were not worth apologising for. I felt as though I had to act perfectly on the outside, in order to feel whole on the inside. But alas, this did not work. I spent years exhausted and tired. Then the rebellion kicked in and the anger. Why should I apologise for who I am? This meant I tried to feel whole by being resistant to the dark in the world, resistant to the judgement by biting back. All that resulted from this approach was more feelings of being fractured.
Then, in it would come….that thought, that relief, ‘You are not broken.’ I began to meditate again and found that this time spent in a higher consciousness, allowed me to entertain the idea that my soul, was whole. That it was only this human aspect of me, in this fractured existence, that seemed broken. My spirit guide Rama began to teach me a way of working with the past me, that reduced that feeling of being fractured. It began like this….
He would say (without words, as a great deal of the time he speaks in concepts and impressions) imagine that time when so and so rejected you, when you felt bullied or lost. Imagine the scene in your mind. Now pull yourself up out of your body and float above it. See yourself, in the past, in pain. Watch how you feel as you move through this experience. Take note of the moment you feel pain then reach down from your place in the ether, and grab that aspect of you. Pull her up to the aspect of you floating above the scene and remind her of who she is. So I began to imagine a couch, that was suspended in the ether, safe from the physical. I would imagine myself sitting on that couch observing many different times in my life where I felt less than or broken. I would observe, without attachment, the way I behaved in that moment. I could see how utterly human I was. Then I would reach down to me and bring me up to the couch and there I would sit in my mind’s eye, during this meditation, twin aspects of myself, both past and present. I would say to me, you will get here, in this Samadhi. You will reach this point. Don’t worry, eventually you heal, you are not broken. And so it would go, for weeks I did this, imagined in moments of past pain, pulling fractured aspects of myself up onto that couch, telling the past me I was not broken.
Then after a few months, I began to feel whole, even in the face of negative experiences I did not feel as upset. I felt like I was pulling parts of me back together and retrieving them from the past. So when I face situations now where I feel less than, I hear the words, ‘You are not broken’ and recall that feeling of sitting on my Samadhi couch in the ether. I re-experience that safety, that detachment. I understand now that the dark night of the soul has its purpose, because the light is ever so bright, once you’ve experienced the dark. But I had to come to understand that the feeling of being broken does not define my being. I am not broken outside of this physical world and all I have to do, is get back on my couch in the ether and tell me, that I will find a way through. Because we all eventually do, whether this be within a life time, or throughout many.
Sending you all light as the Earth shifts her vibration and the new light, now coming in, fills us all with wholeness and hope for our future here on Gaia.