Finding Stillness

The day had began hot. I woke up and flung the doona off my body and lay there wishing a minute was an hour. My morning routine consists each day of shower, meditate, make coffee, get lunch, get daughter and go. But on this particular day all that seemed like entering into a marathon that started with a gunshot; a shock to the etheric body. It’s my will that usually pushes me into the rhythm, my will that gives when there is nothing left to give. It seems I am relying on my will without remembering that is not the only thing to be relied upon. It seems in the last month, I have lost my spirit.

Often, when I am, alone, I have a fleeting flash of a memory, of being beyond this world. I have never had a near death experience, but I have left my body on occasion and these memory flashes speak to a world without limit, or suffering. It is a lost memory, that every now and then I recover, of being bodiless, weightless, worry-less. I then feel a pang of grief and after that, a sense that I am not ‘home’. When I was younger I could have sworn that reality was a cruel joke, that this was not IT. Later in life, during a meditation Rama said, “This is not THE reality.” It then made sense to me why I felt homesick. If this was not THE reality, I was not home, for the true reality, where I vaguely recalled being free, was beyond this heavy world.

So I found myself on this day, feeling as though I had a spiritual hangover, had forgotten I had another home, had lived without a body and was very much at the forefront of being sucked into a vortex of smallness, of work, of tunnel vision and humanity. I rise, go through the motions and seek out the tasks I have to fulfil and then sit in the car, in the quiet waiting for my child to finish brushing her teeth. This is the only time I have, where I AM.

I have not yet found MYSELF this week. I seek out sleep and comfort. I seek out quiet and spaces where there are no demands and I wonder why this week is so hard? I call my mother in law and she alerts me to the fact that something is about to shift. That the stars have a lot to say about a change in the human experience of reality. I wonder am I picking up on this huge shift and feeling the heaviness of it in my being? Is anyone else?

I’ll ask Rama….’Seeking out spiritual comfort is a natural state. The soul resides not only in the body, but permeates all that it encounters. Is influenced by all it takes into itself. This is then processed, formulated and expressed as soul life. The life of a soul is an ever undulating wave of being, moving and shifting like the waters of the ocean. Only when the waters are still can the soul rest and find comfort.’

I ask, ‘But how do I do this? I am so tired all the time. I am so busy all the time.’

First see that moments in time are all eternal, each one. Time is not linear. A moment sits in the realm of eternity. Each moment holds the opportunity to find stillness. But it is inner stillness, not outer movement that offers the space for peace. To do this when in the tunnel, when in the hive of activity one must become the centre of the wheel that spins. Stand and see that you are the centre of time spinning around you. Stand still inside, for that moment, and do not seek the next. Stay in that moment and all will become still.’

To be still, to reside in peace amidst chaos. I ruminate on this and find myself pausing. The stillness is there.