To Speak, or Not to Speak

I had always hoped that one day I would learn how to stay silent when it mattered. Silence, Rama has always taught me, is where life is created, where the growth occurs. Noise, the noise of the mind, the noise of talking, the noise of the outside world, is what prevents us from being still and so Rama said; in the silence is the sound of Source. Yet as a child  I would rabbit on, as a teen I talked too much when I felt nervous and so, as an adult, I still have to keep a check on when I need to just be silent.

Because I am attempting to practise the art of silence I am fascinated by those who have mastered it, and those who have not. Let’s begin with those who have not. Meandering about one afternoon at the park my family and I ran into a friend of a relative. They began talking quite normally at first, casually you could say, until something rather odd happeneded. Their own course of conversation began to darken, their own thoughts about their teenage child took a turn for the worse, and it seemed to me, standing there mouth open, that this person was not able to pull themselves out of their downward spiral into self confessed doubts. Each spoken word that followed the next was born, like a vile abomination, gross and bloodied until I saw in her face sheer embarrassment. She just could not stop what she was saying and her own insecurities created this awful scene of unguarded speech that rendered her looking quite undone. I managed to keep my response to a minimum and left the scene, my own teens in tow, feeling relieved that I had not said more because this on many occasions, I had done the same and was shamefully relieved for once it was not me who had spilled the sullied beans. So what is it about us as human beings that cannot pick those moments when we should be silent, and actually BE silent!? Why do we not have the self awareness, or even the self preservation to just shut the tally ho up!

Looking at this from the other side of the shore, where the silent ones stand, I see there are many positives to staying silent in situations where we interact with others. A good silent listener makes one feel heard. My husband and I had decided to rebuild our tiny house. Like mice we flit in and out of the small spaces trying not to bang into each other and so an architect was engaged and we sat down to discuss the build. He had a soft, gentle face with a look of bemusement and warmth that immediately opened us up. We sat opposite at the dining table, where other household members politely squished past between wall and chair. He opened his questionnaire and began. The first question was; ‘What is it you want from your new home? What is personal to you?’ My other half looked at me and I at him, a bit shy and then we shared. I felt heard, really heard and seen as he sat silently cocking his head to one side, taking notes and smiling in between our breathy statements. Tears welled up in my eyes and I found myself relaxing the same way I used to as a child when I would play with my teddies in the warmth and security of our lounge room, bathed in complete peace and abandoned trust. I connected to myself in a way I had forgotten to do, simply because I felt heard. He had been silent the whole time, listening with his heart and head. But silence is not pure and free from darkness. In silence is agreement. Stand silently while another is attacked, not speaking, and you have justified brutality. 

So where does the balance lie? Actually it has nothing to do with balance does it really. Well not entirely. If I truly delve into the dynamic behind speaking and staying silent, behind listening and wanting to be heard, at the heart of it all lies the self, the self swinging between altruism and self love, attack and withdrawal. The dynamics within the self determine whether we truly see and hear others and whether we are able to speak our truth without harm. Not truth with a capital T, but our personal truth. To get at the heart of the matter we have to ask, can we allow others to have their truth?
This is a big cog in the wheel of learning how to listen and how to speak from the heart, because knowing when to speak, or when not to speak all lies in this; are you coming from a place that resides in the light or the dark? To hear is to stop the need to give one’s opinion out of the need to be heard, and listen. To speak comes out of the need to speak one’s truth without the need to shove it down another’s throat, to be heard. The dynamic lies in the self. It lies in the ability to allow others their truth, while speaking your own without creating harm, without crossing boundaries and violating trust.

Since the last two years have passed into memory it has become clearer and clearer to me why my Spirit Guide has always taught me freedom from belief. I used to question him, why, how, how can I have no belief system if I live here on earth? I felt it must have made up who I was? But as I grew older I wondered, rather than questioned, what harm do belief systems create? War, hatred, division, separation… all stem from belief systems. I saw that fundamentalist thinking, no matter how beautiful it seemed to me as a way of being, created the most harm, was the biggest pendulum swinger of the self that held the most judgement. People die and kill for their beliefs. Lose the belief systems and fundamentalist thinking and the need to be heard, and from it arises unity. Speak only of oneness, that is what the other side has taught me; a way of speaking that is so foreign to my humanness.
So every day that I venture out, I practise. I try to live in peace and as Lobsang, my gentle guide from the Himalayas tells me time and time again when I want to shout in anger;  

‘Do no harm.’

Then I feel the peace that comes from silence, from not needing to speak my truth and force it on others. It renders me blameless in the face of attack and calm in my heart and the image that holds me in this is the silence of a monk beneath towering, snow covered mountain peaks that I have never actually seen.


Alarm goes off, bedcovers are thrown back. ‘Ah, another day of remote teaching.’ Stub toe on the edge of the bed as I stumble to the bathroom. The hot water is surprisingly refreshing. Knock at the door. Annoying husband, mainly because we have been locked away together for months, in fact everyone is annoying. Sigh, “Be out in a sec.” I try to summon the strength to care. Tap goes off, step out carefully. Dont want to slip in case I end up in hospital and contract covid that way. Actually given I live in a country town, considered metro, I most likely would contract covid that way, in a city hospital, not in my small, breezy, open spaced country town. I stop, pause my thoughts, pants half way up, to silence my own movement. I hear the thunk of the door and telepathically say goodbye to my husband. The only path that has kept me sane so far I will continue to follow. Emerging out of the bathroom, I catch the scent of Jasmine coming through the fly wire door. I move towards it. My fingers wrap around the latch and more air touches my face. There she sits, my meditation chair, swinging gently to and fro, pushed by a gentle breeze. I arrange myself in her, wrap the blankets around me and begin. First the smooth silence envelops me, then the stillness of body calms my heart beat. A vague sense my spirit guides are there, touches a space in front of me. I reach out like a child leaning towards being held. ’Ram’ I call inwardly, an image floats across a blank screen; fire, something ancient. The word b…e…n…u falls into my mind. I stay with this image and word for a while knowing it is something. Thirty minutes have passed. I lift myself out into the cool spring air. I feel different now. something shifts in my thinking.

I pass the day writing, drawing, making, taking photos, shooting videos of hello and; ‘This is what your task for the morning is.’ I push through the computer to reach my class floating somewhere out there in the ether, beyond the Internet that feels like a giant, confusing planet I cannot for the life of me navigate. Each time I create a lesson, more ideas flood in. But how practical are they? I think them through one at a time. Nope that would take an hour and would translate as five minutes on my class website. Nope, that would not be understood without a twenty minute video explanation that would bore the poor things. No matter how grand the ideas they can never match the beauty of teaching in the moment of; NOW! That my dear friends is the greatest travesty of all this, one can never truly BE in the moment.

I look around at the space I teach in. I move my eyes from the king sized bed, to the two bedside tables, the tall boy, not the kind that would turn my head, the long wooden, dark stained clothes rack, no walk in closet, sadly, as I would most likely hide in it when I do not want to be found rather than ducking commando style onto the floor between the bed and the wall, opposite the door, and rest my eyes finally at my desk with hard chair to match. I move to sit down and wait. I do not have a flattering light for zoom, so as I squeeze myself onto my chair that presses against the bed, I begin propping my computer up with books so my double chin doesn’t frighten anyone because the angel is wrong. Time ticks over slowly while I wait to be ’let in’.
I have flashes of my youth waiting outside bars, looking down at my converse sneakers wondering if I will be ‘let in’. I then on reflection commend myself, as I wipe finger marks off my screen, that have I dressed today in a manner that would be considered professional, light and colourful. I muse over my refusal to wear pyjamas for the sake of my ‘mental health’. Maybe I’ll tell my colleagues that, then remember quickly social etiquette. I long quietly, as I check I’m on mute, for the days where I might’ve by chance had an awkward overshare with an overtly kind colleague in between classes.

Phew, I’m in. The zoom begins smoothly, none of us are invited to speak. I watch the numbers rise as people ’enter the room’. I decide at the last minute to turn off the video and lie back on my bed. I snuggle up and breathe into the lecture about supporting the teachers of our time. “When we meet another in this time of separation we ought to meet them with our humanity, the deepest part of ourselves that truly listens to another, not with the desire to fix them but to truly see them in their humanity.” I feel I am at ease now, not so alone. I recall the word Ram gave me this morning and pull out yet another screen to search for meaning.

I find it; Bennu, an Egyptian god. Bennu, a god on a rock, perched and calling creation into its space. A god connected to the human Ba, the personality that lived on, that rose from the ashes of its own creation.

Tears well up. I swallow as I feel the connectedness of my fellow teachers striving to guide the souls of other humans through the tiny space of our screens. I set my head back on the pillow.

We will rise from the ashes, I speak only to myself in the quiet of my room; ‘Humanity will rise from the ashes of our own humanity.’

The Spirit Guide and The Skeptic

It first began in 1990. I had finished my HSC, which in those days was a High School Cetificate, and was waiting for the results. There is nothing more nerve wracking than waiting to find out if you have made the grade; was I going to be a failure, what would I do in life if I didn’t pass? Although I had worked pretty hard for the exams, self doubt plagued me, as it did and always had. Self esteem of the highest kind was not my forte. So I had asked my dad for a job working in my parents’ hotel. It was the off season for the ski resort and the place was empty. All I had to do was clean rooms while listening to my Walkman. My friend Danni had asked if she could join me and so we became a little family of two, cleaning hotel rooms and waiting for our futures to unfold. She was very much into crystals and her mum was an avid spiritualist. I had begun my journey when I fell in love with an American who, when I first laid eyes on him, I knew I had seen before. Well not seen, with my eyes but his soul I had seen before. I knew him before we even spoke and so after falling in love for the first time at 16 and saying goodbye to him as he left for the States, I pondered on this experience of knowing someone. When we were together I understood things about him I could not have known, intimate things about his heart, his nature and so I began searching about energy in the school library.
I figured if I had known him before, I had been born before, and if I had been born before then I had not ceased to exist after death.
This idea facinate me. Was I energy? If I was, what was energy? I found a book by a gentleman called Albert Einstein. In this book he stated something that sent me on a path I would only ever leave once and return to years later. He claimed that energy can’t die and can’t be created. Meaning it has or had, always existed. Well I listened to my friend Danni as we cleaned the rooms. I listened to her talk of past lives, about her mum’s crystal collection, how her sister could hear a baby speak to her from the womb. ‘Can you teach me?’ I asked. She then took it upon herself to educate me, since no one else would. My dad was an atheist and believed in the ‘gene pool’ and my mum, a rather delicate old fashioned lady with a simple hearted nature, did not like talking about such things. So an appointment was made, and I was to see a Channeler and her mum would take us.

Looking back now I realise, I knew nothing of channeling, so when I sat before this lady I was completely unprepared. Wind chimes echoed outside the window. She sat before me and breathed deeply, then sharply. Immediately her face changed, I became dizzy and my eyes, that were staring intently at her, began to dart back and forth. I felt like I was spinning inside my body without moving. Then the voice. Her whole persona changed to that of an Indian man. He addressed me as though I were his daughter and his student. He explained he was my guide, that he and I had shared many lifetimes together, the most recent in India, where he had been my teacher and I his student. He said many things, but the most poignant of it all, the conversation that stayed with me was, his announcement that one day, through meditation I would hear him, that he would take me to India and that his name was Rama.


That night I had a dream. I was flying in the air with this guide, practicing summersaults. I flipped forward with ease, weightless and free. But then he said, ‘Now go backwards.’ The thought which passed through me then, is still vivid now. ‘If I do that I would have to let go of all the laws of physics. I would have to defy nature.’ So I did. I began to feel a buzzing, like I was in the center of thousands of bubbles all passing through me, then, out of my body I moved. I was no longer in what I would describe as a physical space. But I could still ‘see’ the room. What defied reality, was that I could see three hundred and sixty degrees around me, all at once. There was no pain, no sadness, none of this existed. I felt pure peace and bliss, free in a way I had never known before. There was no time, no contrast, no opposition, and I state all of this with hindsight, because at the time, all just….was. I then saw my body lying on the bed, on my side, one shoulder clearly exposed while the rest of my body was covered. But as soon as I began to analyse what I was seeing, I felt the buzzing sensation again and I was back in my body, in bed.

I sat up, still reeling from the strange sensation of being weightless, peaceful and yet I grieved. I was overwhelmed with a sadness I cannot describe. It was a longing to be back there, to be free of this cumbersome body. This sadness was like a homesickness. The separation, the cold sharp corners of the physical was devastating. I felt alone and for days I wandered around lost. But then a second dream came, but this time I was standing on top of a cliff, my guide by my side. With my arms outstretched I heard him say very softly, ‘Jump.’ So I did, I fell and again the buzzing, the bubbles but this time I move through colours, through a rainbow sequence of colours, then as suddenly as I was out, I was back in again.

So this was to be the starting point of my journey with my guide, Rama. I wrote in a journal as I had always done, one day hoping to be a writer, somehow feeling like I was practicing, and in this journal I had listed all the questions I had for my spirit guide. Does God exist? Are there Angels? Do animals have souls? Why do we reincarnate? The list was endless. So on I went, into my future. I did well at school and was accepted into University studying Journalism and Creative writing, but the feeling stayed with me, that loss, that loneliness. I spoke to Rama all the time, wrote constantly, as though he were there listening. But still the skeptic in me doubted. Maybe he was not real? Maybe I was wrong? All I had to go on, was recalling the feeling of sitting before the Channeler and the feeling of being outside the physical world. But soon these became simply ideas, concepts and I lost myself in the confusion.

One year into University, I found myself away from family, alone and still searching for answers. I think that I was lost in the physical world, because I had been out of it. I had been to the other side and there was no one I could find who understood what that was like. Everyone seemed to carry on as though this was it, but it wasn’t. There was more and this was not THE reality, this was fake and so I became a very sad soul. My best friend from school came to visit me and told me she had found God. So off to the city I went, changed campus and joined a Christian cult. I was eighteen and vulnerable and thought well, maybe they have the answers. Rama slipped into the background, like a neglected friend. I wasn’t allowed to believe in him anymore, plus maybe he wasn’t real anyway? For two years I threw myself into the bible, into hell, into heaven. The conversations with God felt real, but all the rest was an act. It was as though I had fallen asleep. There was no Rama, there was no reincarnation, there was only one shot at getting it right and if I stuffed up, well then, Hell was what I had to look forward to. One night, standing in the kitchen of yet another Christian house I had been placed in, I dared the Universe to get me out. So the next day, in the mail, came a letter from the American. He had not written to me for years, but there it was, opened, read and on my desk. I stared at it and knew what to do. The next morning I pretended to have a cold and so when they went to church I packed my car and fled.
I sat in the hotel, in the restaurant the very next day, watching the staff potter about the place. In that moment I felt pure relief, I did not have to fear Hell. I knew it was not real and then the thought of Rama returned. Was he still there? Was he real? I had no way of knowing. I moved into a house in the city, owned by my parents and for the first time, I had a secure place to live. I was in my early twenties now, as I had deffered University and travelled in between. By this time I had studied Reiki, I had found Tarot and I was reading every spiritual book I could get my hands on, which I had been doing before the Church intervened, but had stopped out of fear. I had time and the safety of a home to immerse myself in spirituality, so I began to meditate on a regular basis. I became so dedicated that my room permanently smelled of incense and oils, as I would sit in my bed and connect with that space I had found so many years ago. Then my friend Erin invited me to a Pranic Healing course. This changed my life as I finally was presented with an opportunity. The Master healer was visiting from China and happened to attend our course for the day. He offered those who desired, a healing. This was not a common practice as he was rarely in Australia. This was an opportunity not to be missed. Erin nudged me into the line. Okay, said the Skeptic, let’s test it again, is it real? Well it came to be my turn. I sat on the chair and he looked down at me. ‘What do you want?’ He asked. I replied ‘I want to hear my spirit guide’ and he laughed. ‘You must be meditating a great deal to achieve this.’ I told him I had been and he went ahead with the healing. He pointed two fingers at my throat and closed his eyes. Shock went through me. My throat began to buzz. For days it stayed that way, buzzing. I swallowed constantly, trying to get it back to normal.
Then one morning, standing under the washing line while pegging on my wet clothes, it began. It was, at first, like trying to listen to a voice that was just barely audible. Then as I stood still, waiting, wondering, exploring inwardly in a way I never had before, I heard him. He was speaking about my questions, what questions do you want answered? I could hear him but there was no sound. It was a voice without sound. It felt like I had to follow the thread of his presence. So I ran inside, past my confused sister who was living with me and into my bedroom. I sat on the bed and began to meditate. He then swept in, energetically cut my head off with a huge sword, I popped outside my body for an instant, then back in again and he simply said; ‘See, it is of no signifigance.’

From that moment we were in constant communication. He became my ever present guide and teacher. How strange it is to have that kind of support. It’s not dissimilar to having an imaginary friend, someone only you can see. ‘Rama’, I would say, ‘How do I detach from this situation?’, or ‘Rama, why am I so easily hurt by people?’ Rama…..that name at this point, was a name I had know since forever it seemed. But it was just a name, one that I had been given, it was not one I questioned, nor asked anyone about and no one I knew in the spiritual circles I moved in, had ever heard of it, or if they had, no one said anything to me. My diaries that span decades, are filled with conversations with this being, advice, words I would never use, concepts I barely understood, about intention and creation, about energy and ways to work through life. The guidance he gave never sounded like me. I was being taught, rather than regurgitating information I already knew. I never questioned it really, when he spoke because it felt a certain way when he connected. It was the same feeling I had when I left my body in my teens. It was a feeling of seamless oneness, tempered by non-humanistic wisdom and peace. It was something outside of me, but still the Skeptic in me doubted.

After a few years of studying and writing, meditating and connecting with Rama I took off up north to Queensland, following a boy. Classic error in judgement. He ditched me after we had driven all the way up the coast and left me stranded with nowhere to live. I had no money and so called my old High School friend Angela who lived in Nimbin. Angela’s home on the mountain was a haven, a place where I found solace from a broken heart and hurt pride. The earth was a beautiful rich red, the trees that surrounded the property were lush and green. A long driveway wound up from the main road to her rickety home where she and her three children lived, without a man, all on their own surviving on the small pension she received each fortnight. She gave me a room to stay in beneath the house. It was open and a little rustic, but I had surrendered to her lifestyle and so developed within myself a certain comfortability that comes only when one is totally penniless and homeless, when the conventions of life have fallen away and trust is all that’s left. Two things I remember vividly is the huge snake in the bathtub outside my room and the teachings Rama gave me.


As I wandered around the mountain, taking in the beauty, Rama spoke to me, taught me. I asked so many questions and the communication became very clear. I was shown a way of seeing things that was completely oriented around how we manifested experiences, life and how intention was a part of creating. He spoke about the jewel held within the moment, how the path through was to find freedom from belief.
Each day I walked and listened then wrote all he said in a scrappy notebook I had bought from the local newsagent. The writing grew large when I documented what he said. I couldn’t write fast enough when I sat on my rickety bed and listened to his voice. It was a strange feeling to not know what words would come next and read as I wrote, without any prior knowledge of what would be said.
He was my life at this juncture and then one morning as the sun rose I crept outside, the light drawing in colour, building the world around me as it spread. The air was thin and warm, so unlike the morning air at home that wakes your skin with its brisk cold. I began to walk, to listen and now looking back I wish I had not heard what he said.

’It is time to step out now and live what I have taught you.’ I grabbed the words in my mind and questioned him. It was silent, I heard nothing. I called out again to him, but the words moved into a void and were lost.
He was gone. I was alone.
From that moment the world felt different. I felt like a teen who had been asked to leave home for the sole purpose of learning how to live independently. Shoved back out into the world armed with knowledge of what Rama had taught me, but without the voice of comfort, without any direct connection.
I caught a bus back home and my mother picked me up at the other end, tired, broken, but ready to return to University. The Skeptic in me still sat in the background assessing, determining what was real and what was worthy of belief. Did I believe Rama existed? How could I not after all I had experienced. But skepticism tempered with hope is never a bad thing. So I carried on a cock-eyed traveler hoping more proof would come my way. Rama however did return but this is another tale I will tell another time.

The Origin of Evil




It had seemed to me I had already been told that all the negative I experienced, all the hate, hurt and evil of the world was a lower vibration of energy, which needed to be raised up into its purest form, which was Love; Source in its highest vibration. I understood this and had seen it in action, this process of raising the lowest form of energy, into it’s highest form. I felt angry, and forgave, I’d been hit with aggression from another and learned from it, I’d raised the lower into the higher many times and continued to do so. Well at least, attempted to do so..

The group of beings I had connected with, whom I came to know as the Druids, said ‘it’, that is good and ‘evil’, the process, was likened to changes in colour. One could change the colour of one’s emotions from red; angry, into indigo; peace, within the blink of an eye, within the change of a thought. To them it was all malleable and from the same thing; All That Is. Anger could be turned into love, as easily as night could become day. The sun simply had to rise and shine the light. It was, this whole question of the presence of evil and the shadow self; a matter of learning.

Rama had taught me that when Source separated itself, for the purpose of knowing itself, it created that which was Not, the Other. The Other I considered is somehow connected to the existence of evil, of shadow. How, in a dualistic world,can you have Light without Darkness? Doesn’t the experience of the dark lead us to know just how bright the light can be? I figured, at this point in my learning, I knew who I was, because I had experienced pain and discovered my own beingness and I knew who I was because I was not… the Other. So I sat with this knowing, this acceptance of the dark as part of my journey as a human being.

But a few years later, just recently in this time of Now, I stumbled across a book I’d found through researching using key words and phrases given to me by Rama. I had been asking about the light, about our origin. This book was called The Return of the Light. What a find I thought, a random book, not common knowledge from my perspective and it was a channeled piece, a series of conversations and the being who was channeled, or the main being, was none other than Horus, or whom she, the medium Elora, referred to as Hera. Well I can tell you, I was excited to read this one, and so I began.


What this being proposed was that the Prime Creator, who made our world also made a mistake. It seems, dum dee dum, Prime Creator whilst minding its own business creating  stuff, ho-hum. Did not notice a malfunction in its creation. So a dark element came into being and began ruining Prime Creator’s perfect creation. This infection spread and before Source could say ‘oh crap’, evil had entered the Universe and we fell.

Well I had just received, a few days earlier, the words Von Siegel, from a being who I had come to know as being connected to Anthroposophy, which led to a concept created by Rudolf Steiner called the Seven Planetary Seals. This was a map of our human evolution. So I began to research this as the same time. Very soon the path that very separately both travelled in my conscious began to merge. Rudolf Steiner refered to a being called Sophia. Sophia was connected to Lucifer and Lucifer was the reason behind the Fall of man, when darkness, or imperfection was introduced. My guide Maria, was one of those such aspects of the Divine feminine. She told me during a walk in the bush and a chat, that they, her beings, the Elohim from the Pleiades, created many worlds, many ‘experiments’ as she called them. But she said something dark infiltrated our world, something they did not predict and I saw a vision of horror. Not just physical horror, but something so dark my heart started racing at the impressions. It was something not of this world, our world, but it came from a place and plummeted earth into darkness. Yet she would not go any further in her explanation, and I did not ask.

So I knew there was a reference of darkness and a connection between, Sophia, Rauch Hakodesh, the Divine Feminine, and this darkness. I knew there had to be a link.

Here I found the Gnostics. Well they believed the being Sophia, split from the Christos at the beginning of creation and this being created our Universe. From this Lucifer was born, who then became the God of our known world. But Lucifer, although a being of light, was an ego based deity and in his love of self, he created the demiurge. This is when things when pair shaped, or so the Gnostics say. Well Horus, in this book was hell-bent on stating that Prime Creator, be that Sophia, or Lucifer, or what not, made a mistake and so darkness was born. Oh dear poor us, oh seriously God, you are an idiot! This was very much the impression the writer gives. She ends up having a friend channel Prime Creator and he is very apologetic that he did not notice the dark infiltrating his Universe. Hmmmm, I began to wonder. Was God that stupid?

You see I had gone over to my mother-in-law’s house, lets call her M, and told her all about this book. She verbally clapped her hands together saying ‘Oh yes send me a copy of that one!’ So I did and so she read it. I went over the next day and there she sat, iPad on cushion, sitting up straight, speed reading the hell out of this thing!

‘Well’ I said ‘You are way past where I am!’ She smiled. ‘All right girl let’s discuss this!’ And so for a week the two of us sat head to head, debating and discussing the issue of evil, the origin of it and was God really that stupid if he was the Big God at all? Cross legged, hand on chin I thought, could a perfect God create imperfection? A cup of tea was placed before me, yummy spearmint and chamomile. I blew on the surface of the very hot tea. Even the clean steam and smoothness of the water seemed perfect. There was so much perfection all around us in nature. I had been teaching my class about the quality of numbers and so I began to see all around me the perfection in the design of life. One of my students had given me a beautiful autumn leaf to place on our nature table, it’s seven points a fascination to her. Perfection was there, no doubt about it. But what of Evil?

‘Well M, is it possible that the Prime Creator is not the All That Is?’ I asked again, sitting up straight now to show my confusion was quite serious. My M shrugs, she does not think that an Omnipresent God could create darkness. Well the question still remains, then who did and if so why? The interesting thing about this book was, the medium had remembered lives in other Universes that had not Fallen. So she knew what it was like to live in a perfect state, in a perfect world. Well if I remembered that, I would be pissed off too! Scuse the language but I would!

It frightened me to think I was in a fallen Universe. Was I safe? And who was in charge really if the Prime Creator couldn’t hold back the forces of dark until now. But, I found other references of this mistake in the channeling of a woman called Elizabeth Trutwin. She channeled Sekhmet, a being I very much adored and this being also describes a mistake made by the Prime Creator that allowed the dark to enter. So did the Gnostics, but as I said they blamed poor old Sophia. Hmmmm, the female Archetypes that bring in evil, as Eve did. I wasn’t sold on their view, so I asked Maria. She said…


‘If you did not have the Ka

You would know nothing 

All sight would be lost to you and you would traverse this  world without conscious awareness of who you were, who you could be

To devolve means one has the potential to grow in knowledge in understanding through this physical realm I have manifested

This was only ever done through love

It was the seed, the state of man who was designed to be all things, where this was held, within the seed, waiting to germinate

I gave life the knowledge of good and evil so that in your wisdom you would grow through choice  

A choice to create yourself

Me: did Sophia create original ‘sin’ and if so then is this why she offered her Son? To heal this place because she created the Demiurge?

I did not create the demiurge this was a result of the forces taking part in creation after I became Gaia

At the time of Astar or Aztar’

This echoed in me, this declaration which Maria had given. It was about choice. She was my mother in spirit, often guiding me through tough times when Rama seems to deliberately take a back seat. I began to wonder about the concept of Original Sin. Was the fall, the infiltration, the reason for the concept of original sin? I mean I knew in Catholic terms, of course when we ate the apple, we were lost to original sin, but I began to see that this term may have been misconstrued through attachment of blame. What if it was not our fault we had a shadow side? What if it was some thing done to us in the very beginning? What if it were not a point of guilt, repentance and ‘oh though must ask for forgiveness’? What if we were not to blame for something that happened to our Universe because during the creation process of separation when light separated, dark became present as the Other? Original Sin I realised was true, but not the way the religions deem it so. We need not ask for forgiveness of our dark and light nature, but accept it as part of our story and beyond our control.

M and I met for the final time, in the context of discussing this new idea of the origin of evil, she’d had it, she was fed up and sick of reading ‘that’ book. Oh dear I thought as the waitress placed two Soy Mochas before our salivating mouths. Sometimes I think there is a spot that coffee hits that nothing else can. Stop at one is my motto, and early in the morn. M explained that she felt we ought to keep it simple. That the more she read, the more questions arose and sometimes, that is not a good thing. The sun was shinning, not a hint of evil here, except maybe that cigarette butt lying on the ground I thought. I screwed up my nose at it. ‘What do you think?’ M asked. I gave out the very vague opinion that there had to be an answer. But M was beyond that now. I was alone in my search for the answer.

Being school holidays and all my main planning done, which took most of the holidays, just saying teachers don’t get a break like most think, I had enough time to begin the next part of my research. So far I knew Wisdom was the key to shifting evil, wisdom of the feminine, who had possibly been the creator of it. This would make sense, that the being, the Divine feminine who deliberately separated and created our world was the key to saving it. I stumbled across material by Rudolf Steiner that suggested Sophia was the Other of the Christ consciousness, or Christos. These two who had been one, then split and when they did, Mother Earth was created, our realm was created and three D came into play. Maria had said Choice, that she did not create the demiurge, that she had created out of love and that the knowledge of good and evil is what gave us choice. Choice meant we were free to choose who to be, through the offering of light and shadow. But Rudolf takes this a step further and explains in his Lecture, The Origin of Evil, that yes, Lucifer created the fall, but he also created self awareness and the ability for us to love the self, thus creating the ‘I’, the ego, the ability to Know Thyself through that which we are, and who we can become. Lucifer was born of Sophia, wisdom, knowledge, and when he fell he brought with him the knowledge of good and evil. He is the ego, the child of Sophia, the lower, but through wisdom, through the Divine Feminine, we can evolve the human ego into that which is the Divine ‘I’ through the process of turning evil into good, darkness, into light. A process that Carl Jung called…. INDIVIDUATION.

Phew, I thought after these pennies dropped. It was now late at night and I was ready to let it all go. I read the last part of Rudolf’s lecture and so he said…


Thinking and wisdom now entered into the service of the self and there was a choice between good and evil.

Love must turn to the self only in order to set the self in the service of the world. The rose may adorn herself only in order to adorn the garden.

That must be inscribed deeply into the soul in a higher occult development. In order to be able to feel the good, man had also to be able to feel the evil.

The gods gave him enthusiasm for the higher. But without evil there could be no self-feeling, no free choice of good, no freedom.

Good could have been realised without Lucifer, but not freedom. In order to be able to choose good man must also have the bad before him; it must dwell within him as the force of self-love. But self-love must become love of all. Then evil will be overcome.

Freedom and evil have the same original source. Lucifer makes man humanly enthusiastic for the divine. Lucifer is the bearer of light; the Elohim are light itself. If the light of wisdom has kindled wisdom in man, then Lucifer has brought light into man.

Rudolf Steiner Lecture: The Origin of Evil, Berlin 22nd Nov 1906

That was the answer I screamed loudly in my head after reading  this. The whole purpose behind evil was freedom of choice! We had the freedom to choose and thus the love that we would experience would be born of free will and a choice to make love our most treasured gift in this life. There is no choice without duality, that was the key to understanding why a perfect God could create the dark. It was created was so that we could choose the light as conscious human beings developing and evolving into so much more.


So Heru, I felt may have half of it right, even if the ‘Prime Creator’ made a mistake, I think, who the Druids call, the Highest in High, is beyond even all of that and sits in the Void, creating the constant flow of creation and love, through letting us be what ever, or who ever the ‘hell’ we choose to be, scuse the pun. We are not evil, we are not good either. We are far more complex than that. But what a journey it is moving from dark to light, even within a heart beat, all the time still being loved, because if there is one thing I know for sure, all the guides I have met and the people who have passed on I know, sit outside of all this shadow/light stuff. I have no doubt that outside of what we know of as the Maya, there is only love and light. So I don’t mind getting my gum boots on and wading through the dark of this life so long as I have a home to go to when it’s done.

H…ooooommmmmm…e. ; )




Where Does My Consciousness Reside?


It seems only recently that scientists have openly begun to acknowledge that we create our reality. In actual fact it was as early as 1805 that a physicist Thomas Young, first had the idea to shoot an electron through two slits, changing the way we perceive reality forever. This was called the double slit experiment. What was revealed shocked scientists world-wide, as it appeared that when the single electron was not observed moving through the two slits, it collapsed into a wave form. Yet when it was observed, the electron remained a particle. This meant that human consciousness had a direct effect on a wave, become matter.

Haven’t we all heard, from someone at least, that we create our own reality? What an odd thing to postulate, many would say in the mainstream world of reality T.V, shopping centres and fast food. This world, this reality is so chaotic, random and often difficult to work through, then, if it were true that we created our own reality then the responsibility for creating what we experience, lies with us. Yikes!

I think the hardest thing to do in this world is to feel this is true when cruddy things happen, which are not obviously of our own doing. The work place for one is a huge space which presents to us difficult behaviour from others and a sense that we have been knocked down, betrayed and treated unfairly. How does one detach if this is true, that I create my own reality, that I am responsible? How do I work through the feelings of hurt at the hands of another?

This lesson has reared itself again in my life, but, despite not wanting to take the full brunt of responsibility for another’s actions, I am very aware that the ‘unfair’ issues I face at the moment, originated from my past. You see what we face in this Now, is never separate from what we have experienced before. I might be in this Now, but part of my consciousness still resides in my past. You see as a teen I was bullied quiet badly when I attended a small, country town high school, in my childhood valley. I was terrified to walk down the hallway as the rougher girls in the school, who decided they did not like me, would sneeze in response to my presence because apparently, I was a dog, a bitch and they were allergic to me. Aside from dealing with the verbal and physical abuse, pretty soon they had spread so many rumours about me that the whole of the school had decided to shun me. I remember sitting behind a tin shed, next to the woodwork room just to find a moment of relief from the taunting. The loneliest of lonely moments is this kind of solitude. So when I grew up and moved through so much in life, travel, study, husband, children, work, I thought nope, I’m good, those days are over. But the truth is, I am still creating my reality now, based on my experiences during that time.

So after finding myself the brunt of a similar situation I know that I have to face those old fears and move my consciousness to the Now, that I live in, not the past. Somehow, I have to detach myself from it, or I will keep creating the same reality of feeling bullied.

I had been to a market and was very drawn to a woman selling clothes that flowed in the breeze of my little town in my new valley. The silk shawls and soft materials called to me, as did she. I went up with a slight smile on my face, feeling somehow this was someone I wanted to talk to. She said ‘Hi’ in a lovely bright manner and like so many Magicians, whose archetype allows them to sell smoke to a fire, ice to an Eskimo, she began to chat with me. I bought her shawl and asked her, about herself. I was curious… She told me of India, of Rishikesh, a place I had planned to visit. My mind lit up with images of her by the banks of the Ganges, washing her feet, at peace, away from civilisation. I envied her at that point. What would that be like, to be so free? At what cost did that freedom come, if any?

The next month she was there again, filling a space in the open car park, her clothes flowing once more. My husband and son were hovering so close by that I felt their auric fields bump mine as I chatted with her. “Go on you two!” I flicked the air with my hand. ‘Keep moving, I’ll catch up.” I turned back to her as she reached for her singing bowl. She said what had been troubling me, that I was not able to speak my truth. I know it sounds like something many healers may say to draw you in. We all want to hear that we are seen, by the unseen. But she had nailed it. My consciousness was still back in the eighties, crying in the toilets at school and I was not coping with the present because of it. She gave me her card and I set up a time to go and meet her.

Where does my stuff go I wonder, when I leave each moment? Where does my energy go, where do I really exist? If this is a reality I create, then, is it real? What of the games we play online, the virtual reality, doesn’t that feel real? Does quantum physics say that this too is a game, a reality made up of energy, waves and particles that follow what we think, feel and do? If so, do I need to be so attached?

As I drove to her home, miles away from mine, I had, for the first time in ages, time to just be. No husband, no children, no work demands, no need to give. There was nothing but myself. A dream I thought, is my life a dream? I arrived at the house and walked up the stairs. She was waiting at the top wrapped in a shawl. She smiled hello, no small talk, a trip to the loo, then on the floor I was guided to lie.

Her singing bowls rang and I allowed myself to merge with their sound. Waves of sound moved through me. Where does my consciousness lie, I contemplated again and why do I still attach to the pain of the past? I felt my guide Rama come fully into the room. He showed me the moment I met him, channeled through the body of medium. I wanted to cry out because he came through as though no time had passed between that moment and the one I was in. He was present in both. I began to move up, out of my body, but no further as my breathing began to labour, which is what happens when I get to that point, as though my body says, no you can’t leave yet.

It was here in this space that I felt no time, that reality was moment to moment, created simply by my awareness. But still that nagging feeling sat in me, that I was not good enough, that I deserved to be treated badly. Then, moments later the feeling passed and Rama became the focus as he showed me that this was not The Reality.

When it ended I sat up dazed. She began to tell me about her life. She was a true devotee to letting go, to detachment, to her Swami, to her practise. I knew a great deal about the teachings she spoke of, as Rama had taught me, but still I was not there yet, I could not let go, leave, wander India with my consciousness on the other side of this reality. I was what she and what Rama had shown me many are. I was a Householder. My life was filled with attachment, so my consciousness sat with that. I could not move past this, and so after this realisation I left with many questions.

Does creating a reality without pain, require letting go of all that attaches? Or could my consciousness reside in that space of detachment while still attached to so much? The past I knew, still needed healing and I thought what if I let go of the need to be heard? Would that be enough to heal myself of the pain I still felt from the bullying? Could my consciousness reside in the Now, fully, letting go of the need for my truth to be heard, because that is what caused me the most pain back then, my truth, the truth of who I was, had been squashed.

I sit with this now, this vibrating thought, that there is someone I have met who lets go, who sits with the Swamis as I wish to and funnily enough that gives me hope, that inspires me. But what if I could create my own reality free from the pain, not because I sit in solitude, but because I don’t need those who hurt me, to hear my truth?

You Can Do No Wrong


One afternoon, a long while ago, walking through the supermarket after embarrassing myself with an acquaintance this thought struck me out of nowhere. Well not entirely out of nowhere, but the sentence was clear; ‘You can do no wrong, there is nothing to fix’. How could this really be true? I had come across this healing message before. The first time it was said to me, was after I came out of the rabbit hole and found myself at a Raja Yoga centre meditating. ‘You are not broken, there is nothing to fix’, was placed in my mind much the same way. A sentence out of nowhere, clear and precise. But where does this idea of being ‘broken’ come from? When I looked at myself objectively, I seemed to fumble in the presence of certain people. I often wondered how obvious it was that my solar plexus was going nuts, that I was recoiling into a default of always needing to do better. It felt ingrained in me that no matter how much I tried, no matter what I did, there was always more to heal. I marvelled at those who have self-confidence pegged, who naturally felt as thought they had a right to stand in their own space. But I knew I did not have this temperament, nor this natural ability to believe in myself when the external world was saying the opposite.


It began with my temperament. I am a heart based creature. I perceive through my heart, others, and when this heart of mine is filled with Source connection, I love pretty much any one who comes across my path. Yet when I feel out of whack, even popping into the local bakery for a Soya Mocha seems challenging. One side ways look and I would feel close to climbing back into my car, empty-handed. Oversensitivity is hard to work with. I would speculate, am I oversensitive because I am empathic, a Scorpio, or just human? Probably all three come into play, but because I felt everything, it placed me in a position of vulnerability. This is when I would make mistakes, this is when I would get hurt and feel broken as a result.

So logically I would think, in this physical world there are rules I must follow in order to avoid this pain, this vulnerability, so I do not feel broken. I would keep my mouth shut, become submissive, say sorry too much and apologise for things I did, that were not worth apologising for. I felt as though I had to act perfectly on the outside, in order to feel whole on the inside. But alas, this did not work. I spent years exhausted and tired. Then the rebellion kicked in and the anger. Why should I apologise for who I am? This meant I tried to feel whole by being resistant to the dark in the world, resistant to the judgement by biting back. All that resulted from this approach was more feelings of being fractured.

Then, in it would come….that thought, that relief, ‘You are not broken.’ I began to meditate again and found that this time spent in a higher consciousness, allowed me to entertain the idea that my soul, was whole. That it was only this human aspect of me, in this fractured existence, that seemed broken.  My spirit guide Rama began to teach me a way of working with the past me, that reduced that feeling of being fractured. It began like this….


He would say (without words, as a great deal of the time he speaks in concepts and impressions) imagine that time when so and so rejected you, when you felt bullied or lost. Imagine the scene in your mind. Now pull yourself up out of your body and float above it. See yourself, in the past, in pain. Watch how you feel as you move through this experience. Take note of the moment you feel pain then reach down from your place in the ether, and grab that aspect of you. Pull her up to the aspect of you floating above the scene and remind her of who she is. So I began to imagine a couch, that was suspended in the ether, safe from the physical. I would imagine myself sitting on that couch observing many different times in my life where I felt less than or broken. I would observe, without attachment, the way I behaved in that moment. I could see how utterly human I was. Then I would reach down to me and bring me up to the couch and there I would sit in my mind’s eye, during this meditation, twin aspects of myself, both past and present.  I would say to me, you will get here, in this Samadhi. You will reach this point. Don’t worry, eventually you heal, you are not broken. And so it would go, for weeks I did this, imagined in moments of past pain, pulling fractured aspects of myself up onto that couch, telling the past me I was not broken.


Then after a few months, I began to feel whole, even in the face of negative experiences I did not feel as upset. I felt like I was pulling parts of me back together and retrieving them from the past. So when I face situations now where I feel less than, I hear the words, ‘You are not broken’ and recall that feeling of sitting on my Samadhi couch in the ether. I re-experience that safety, that detachment. I understand now that the dark night of the soul has its purpose, because the light is ever so bright, once you’ve experienced the dark. But I had to come to understand that the feeling of being broken does not define my being. I am not broken outside of this physical world and all I have to do, is get back on my couch in the ether and tell me, that I will find a way through. Because we all eventually do, whether this be within a life time, or throughout many.

Sending you all light as the Earth shifts her vibration and the new light, now coming in, fills us all with wholeness and hope for our future here on Gaia.




For Tarot Travellers: Sitting With The Fool In His Highest Vibration

The Fool, when he sits in his highest vibration, always follows joy. He marvels at the simplest things in life and does not ponder the heaviness of it. At his highest vibration he carries no baggage from the past and nothing holds him down. He is like a gust of fresh air that enters a stale room, the scent of green grass in the heat of the sun. He lives without resentment and wholly within his heart.


The Fool in tarot is the starting point of life, it is zero point energy, it is the archetypal innocent human being, the raw representation of wonder and naivety that resides within us, untouched, before we head out into the world and become ‘tainted’ by life’s challenges. The Fool however grows from each encounter within the archetypal world, and as he moves through the challenges presented to him, his consciousness expands, finally integrates with The World, and that is the whole point.

The Fool’s lighthearted innocence is his defining characteristic. It is his deepest truth. What some do not realize is that this truth does not change, no one can destroy the true vibration of The Fool, for this aspect of the archetype will always remain fixed within humanity. The sacred knowledge lies in the fact that we must return every time to the heart of The Fool, for this then becomes a new starting point, at a  higher vibration.

The Fool sits on a spiral, as do all the archetypes, at a point. This is only a point. It may be higher than some curves of the spiral, or lower. Never the less, it is a moment in time, in space. As we move up the spiral the learning level increases. What we are not privy to at a lower or higher point, we do not experience. What our consciousness is not ready to absorb, we do not encounter on this part of the spiral. The Fool works through each lesson on the curve, not realising through his self absorption, that each progression forward moves him either higher or lower in vibration, in consciousness. The Fool will only experience what he can perceive and in the reverse, he will only perceive what he encounters on this spiral of personal evolution. He can go down and decide with his free will, not to integrate an aspect of his chosen learning. He can ignore the warning signs, he can say no like a petulant child. He is free to do as he chooses because free will is one of his defining characteristics.


So on his journey to The World, he moves up or down and at each moment it appears as though where he is, is where he is.

This is the nature of perception, the nature of humanity. We cannot see without perspective, that we have changed, that we have, as The Fool, grown, until we self assess and look at where we sit on the spiral. Consciousness allows us one luxury, which can also be our greatest downfall and that is ignorance. Ignorance allows us to integrate what we are capable of at the time and nothing more, that is; we only get what we can handle. But this is the deepest truth of The Fool, the Shadow truth, the one that trips him up time and time again, that at is; Ignorance Is Bliss. So he sits on the spiral, on a point, the dot, the first expression of I Am, and decides he need not self-assess, he will just exist. Well for centuries he may stay that way, life time after life time, in ignorance until something happens, and this is what brings The Fool out of his reverie; fear and shame, sadness and loss, death and pain. The aspects of humanity that are part of our human experience.

This is truly what calls us to move higher on the spiral. It is not just the innate constant desire to become perfect and then so achieve that perfection, through being in a state of perfection! Rather it is our imperfection which causes suffering, that move us to raise our energy up to the sky. This is what motivates The Fool to change. You see he cannot escape that pitfalls of life, he can only learn from them. He may avoid disaster through raising his vibration and encountering less and less drama, through the laws of attraction, but he can never escape his humanity. Because within our humanity lives the Shadow self. This is what The Fool ,must face and then embrace.


So to clarify, The Fool exists as the innocent aspect of us that seeks joy, because that is what the archetypes are, humanity observing itself, humanity perceiving itself. Yet to move up the spiral of creation we need perspective, we need self assessment otherwise we wallow in ignorance. What shifts The Fool, what moves him is not his present state of perfection, rather it is the negative polarity in the third dimension, that which is Shadow, that which Is Not joy. But why do we have to evolve as The Fool at all! Why not just sit in ignorance.

The answer is simple, because we cannot escape the Shadow, we cannot ignore it, we can not escape it, instead we must embrace our Shadow self by raising the vibration of fear and pain by working through it, into its highest expression and that is divine unity. You see through separation we seek out union with The World. We want to be made whole again and to do that  we have to embrace the whole lot, accept our Foolishness, learn from it and move with The World, into The World, the last Archetype in the tarot. The World holds within it the knowledge of all, good and evil and integrates the two, as it does with male and female. Cohesion is the key to a higher way of living, not rejection of the Shadow self.


So in Tarot we work through the Shadow of the Archetypes in order to sit in the light aspect of the Archetypes, and stay each time, for longer and longer until one day, we find we have spun right up the spiral, all the way up back to Source, back to the Angelic aspect of the human being, sitting at the top of The World.




The Three Bodies of the Human Soul


For many years I saw the human soul as being a ‘secret thing’, something I was not supposed to talk about. You see, I grew up in the world of snow skiing and partying. As a child I played around the ski resort where my parents, Aunties and Uncles had built the family hotel. From my window I used to watch the adults stagger out into night after big drinking sessions, leaving zig zaggy footprints in the snow. I’d go downstairs to find mum and dad only to wade through the stragglers of drunks, shouting with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. So when I came of age, turned sixteen, I realised I was different, I knew there was more than what I saw around me. It wasn’t just the partying of the ski resort mentality, it was the ambition of the ski racers, the competitive nature of it all. You had to have the right ski gear, look the part and behave like a winner. Since I had begun attending boarding school in Albury, a small country town in N.S.W, the comprehension that I saw life differently was exaggerated even more. I felt like I was living in a fake world, as though the picture of people and life I saw around me was not it. It was a game, a play and we were all deluded thinking it was real.


Falls Creek

This feeling sat with me without explanation right up until a month before my seventeenth birthday. In this month very significant events came to pass that gave me the understanding I had been searching for.


I was staying at the Hotel with a friend, who’s mum had a love for crystals. Ever since I was little I had collected these pretty stones and knew there was something unique about them, they triggered something in me. So I began to ask questions about them, which led to questions about life, which led to questions about life after death, then reincarnation, which this companion knew all about thanks to her mum being so open with her spirituality. My dad was a staunch atheist, a cross-legged, looking to his wine glass, ponderer of existentialism and my mum, well she was slightly Christian, so I was told nothing from either of them. I soaked it up, feeling the answers she gave fill every corner of curiosity within me. She and her mum suggested they take me to a psychic channeller who lived in Bright, a beautiful country town nearby. When I sat before this woman, I watched as her whole face and body changed. Her voice took on a different tone. She spoke to me and I knew it was not her, it was my spirit guide, who said his name was Rama. The next night I dreamt I was flying with this guide. We were vampires! Silly I know, but I had been reading novels by Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat, so I guess this was the symbolism he had to work with. He said ‘Do a front flip in the air’. So I did. Then he said, ‘Now go backwards.’ In that moment, in a spilt second, I knew that I would have to let go of all the laws of physical reality that I understood. But when I did, I found myself outside go my body, able to see 360 degrees around me, all at once, with a feeling of pure peace I had never known before. My whole being buzzed like I was bubbling energy. Then when I looked down and saw my body lying on the bed I was snapped back in, eyes open, knowing I had been ‘out there’.


After this, followed one more experience, of moving through energy layers. I stood on a cliff in my dream and Rama said ‘Jump’, so I did and that is when I moved through colour, moved through energy and was back outside my body again. Yet this time it only lasted for an instant and I was back in. The next week I felt the heaviness of physical life pull all the happiness I had felt ‘out there’, out of me. But I knew what I had always wanted to know, that I was a soul, not just a body.


Yet still, for years, I did not truly understand how the human soul was ‘put together’, how it worked in reality. I thought there was nothing more to me than my human soul and that once I was dead I would float about in the astral plane as a separate entity. This was around the 90’s and the internet had not yet spread esoteric information into the ether. I had to read books, I had to find books about this topic which was an arduous effort, as the kind I needed were not available in your every day bookshop. But as the years went by and I learned more through meditation and Rama, I started to see that there was more to the role of the human soul than I had initially suspected. This is what I have learned and it is my experience alone and need not be taken on board, simply considered:


The human soul is an aspect of the Oversoul, the Oversoul being the spark that came out of Source, from the All That Is, the moment we individuated. This aspect of us, this human soul, was created for the purpose of having a specifically ‘human’ existence, as we have lived many lifetimes in many different Star Systems, eons before the great experiment of Gaia, before the third dimension was activated. Gaia has existed as her own being, in her own right and agreed billions of years ago from what I understand, to take on the process of densification in order to hold a space for a new being, the human light being, having an experience in a physical reality. From the moment the purest creation of the human soul was enacted, we had a vehicle in which to experience the physical realm, one that suited the kind of experiences that would be available to us here on Earth. Yet this did not occur immediately. It took time for the human soul to truly merge with the physical body. This I will explain a little further on, but to complete the picture, once we densified, moved from light bodies to hardened physical bodies, we lost sight of the spirit world we had been so closely connected to. To prevent utter annihilation of our connection to the true reality, because of the loss of our memory of the other worlds, other dimensions, we needed the Ancients to hold that memory for us.


So as we moved into the physical reality from the astral realm, the Rishi Initiates from Ancient India, descendents of Lemuria, held tight to the memories of our former self, held onto the memory of the spiritual realm that was the true reality. Then as physical reality set in and the astral body merged with the physical and mental body, created through the ‘I Am’, the Ancients sang through the Vedas, through their voices about the illusion of the Maya to keep alive humanity’s true history.

Had they not set up that memory, had they not held it tight within the Vedas, we would not realise that the physical reality was in fact an illusion, the Maya. We would not have realised that it was not the true reality and so would have been lost in the Matrix . So from light bodies to hard bodies, as densified frozen light, we evolved, which resulted in the soul vehicle we now have. What follows is my experience of it, as an intuitive, which is what someone referred to me as the other day, I thought hmmm, that sounds nice…


This soul body consists of three main bodies and is designed to intermediate between the spiritual realm and the physical realm. The first body is called the Etheric body. This body has a blue vibration, is the first level up from the physical and is the blueprint of our physical body. In this body is held the energetic structure for all of our organs, our nervous system, circulatory, respiratory, digestive, excretory and endocrine systems, and all the rest that supports the function of the human body. It holds us in a physical space and is the hardest to reconfigure or change as it is linked to our physical habits, such as smoking, overeating or even drug taking. If this is damaged through trauma or addiction it takes great conscious awareness to heal. This body is affected directly by the physical, but it is also influenced by the astral and mental body through thoughts and feelings which then impact our health.


The astral body is connected to all of the chakras, some may say only the heart chakra, but I see the astral body linked to all of them, and I do not mean the seven most referred to. I mean all of them, because we have chakras that exist way above the crown chakra, the soul star chakra being one of them and ones that are linked to the spleen and belly button, plus a whole bunch outside of the body.


All these work together in unison with the astral body. The astral body holds the patterns of all we feel and imagine, all the links emotionally to others plus, the connection to the earth and our guides. It is the feeling body, but it is not where our thoughts reside. Our thoughts affect the astral body, but that is all, thoughts are not feelings. Instead thoughts are held in the mental body, but do not have the same quality as the feeling in the astral body. But the whole aspect of the astral is expressed through the feeling vibration of all it encounters, both internally from us and externally from outside of us. All of it is expressed through what we label; ‘feeling’. If we had no words for this aspect of our soul, it would be represented symbolically by water, by the Moon, by tears and laughter. It is the fluid expression of emotion. It is not the intellect, the intellect or thinking is held in the mental body.

12808572da344322bfe87bc64cbbab88This body is linked to the astral and the etheric, as thoughts are the creator of life, the conduit through which reality is set. The mental body processes our thinking and works with all aspects of the chakras that have a mental correlation. It works with the parts of each vibration in us that processes things mentally, with thought, even if these thoughts have an emotional connection, or a physical connection. None of the three bodies act alone and none are isolated or separate from each other. The mental body is where thought patterns reside, patterns of thinking which then affect the feeling self or the astral body, which then affects the etheric body in terms of our health. But it also works in the reverse as the astral-feeling body, when it encounters an emotionally upsetting situation, will impact greatly the mental body through the thought triggers that are a result of this emotionally upsetting experience. Someone slaps another in anger and so the person slapped has an emotional reaction, that filters through to the mental body resulting in angry thoughts of revenge and resentment. Heavens, like I said it is all linked and works as a whole body.


So you can see from even this very brief description of the human soul, how beautifully complex we are. The human soul body, all three, as one, is designed for us to process what we uniquely experience as human beings. We are unique. I often wonder if the Alien beings, now referred to as the Inter-Dimensional beings, look down on us from the stars and marvel at our creation, even though most had a hand in who we have become. Our hearts must be a mystery to them I imagine, because we love so fiercely, kill so ruthlessly, yet search constantly for the answers they may not even have questions for. The human soul is a wonderous creation, living in a complex and chaotic realm of spirit-meets-matter. No wonder it took me so long to figure out and I haven’t even touched on the higher aspects of these three bodies! Another time I think, to explore the expanse of how the human soul resides in a higher realm of reality.

The Purpose Behind Synchronicity


Synchronicity to the skeptic, is just dumb luck. But to some of us, it is a sign from the other side signifying that we are headed in the right direction. But what is the purpose of synchronicity, how does it work and why does it happen?

Well first of all it has to do with our soul path. You see before we reincarnate we choose our parents, where we will be born, whether we will have blue eyes, or brown eyes and so on. One day I was driving my son to a doctors appointment when he asked me if we chose what we would look like before birth. Rama, my spirit guide, popped in and showed me a rather comical view of choosing clothes off a rack. I saw an image of archetypes of people that we could select from, in order to have a human experience. body

But these are the small details of creating a soul path, the bigger details lie in the lessons we choose to have in every lifetime.

Each of us has lived many lives and we can say that now, quite openly. Whereas sixty odd years ago, it was the common view that we lived only one life, and after death either went to heaven or hell. At this point, the concept of the multi-dimensional self, was unheard of. To live parallel lives! How ridiculous. But in only a short period of time, so much information has come through that we are no longer denied this larger aspect of who we are. Time is no longer viewed as a set reality, instead it is understood as a man-made concept. So how does synchronicity fit into all this? Well, if we plan our lives before birth, if we live more than one lifetime, even simultaneous lifetimes, then the events and experiences we viewed in the past as only a chance experience of synchronicity, change in their significance. They become filled with divine purpose, suggesting that something else is at play, something bigger than us.


Copyright Erik Shoemaker

The greater purpose of synchronicity exists as a way to draw our attention to the higher self, to the Oversoul and our multidimensional nature. It is set up by our guides and higher selves and it is created for the purpose of fulfilling the lessons we come here to learn. So the soul path is set out by us, by the Oversoul before we are born and this soul path is always at the forefront of our learning in the physical. We can never miss the mark. Well, at least if we do, we get to try again, life, after life, after life. The lessons we encounter on Gaia are designed to expand who we are and as Rama has said to me, there is no right or wrong path, just different experiences, with different consequences, each leading us back to Source, what some may call God. So as this path is laid out to us it is not by any means a straight one. We are given, by our higher selves, lots of opportunities presented in many different forms. There is not one set way to learn a lesson.

So this is where synchronicity comes in, and this is what Rama has taught me. It works like this:

On the other side, which is present right here and now (in fact the non-physical spiritual world, permeates this one and they cannot be separated. The energy of the non-physical is what holds the physical in place, not the other way around), so what ‘they’ do is set up points of energy that can be activated by us, which creates a linear expression of events.

Once the first event or experience is lined up and activated by us, they are able to then set up the next one, that leads to the next and so on, until the learning is integrated into our being. To us with our limited perception, these events may not seem related in terms of cause and effect, but to them, they can see how this left turn, will lead to that dog running out in front of the car, that leads to the rescuer who averts disaster, who turns out to be a soul mate we have planned to meet.

Metaphysically speaking, they create pockets of energy on their side, that is to be filled with physical matter or experienced, on our side. It seems matter does not exude energy, rather energy creates the matter and defines what it will be. Rama says it is like a large magnet that attracts particles of iron shavings that form a whole, or a pile of particles. The magnetism of energy, or the electromagnetic ‘etheric particles’ is what brings about the densification process of creating reality. This process is what they work with to create synchronicity, metaphysically speaking.


So, synchronicity plays a very important part in our experience here on Earth being a meaningful one. But you may ask, can we prevent synchronicity from occurring, can we derail it? Let’s not forget synchronicity is a mechanism used by Source, that leads us to our chosen soul experience. So we ought to learn how to listen, because this is what prevents it; not paying attention to the little hints and nudges from either our higher self, our guides and yes, I should have mentioned them before, the Angelic beings that are with us at every moment. If we become too distracted and disengaged with our spiritual self and do not listen to the inner nudges and knowing, we may miss the boat and not to be in that right place, at that specific time, for that chosen experience to occur. But I have to stress here again, we cannot fail to meet our soul’s chosen experiences as they, the spirit beings I mentioned above, will find new ways to present opportunities to us, new ways of lining up events that lead to our destiny.

For example we walk down a path and ‘they’ light up a sign in the sky in the form of an object, we bend down to tie our shoelace and miss it, and so keep walking. We get to a bend in the road and just around the corner is a stranger who will teach us how to time travel, we decide seconds before we get there that we have left something in the car and so go back. The chance is missed. We drive home and are detoured due to an accident and there is the same stranger needing a ride. So we trust the Universe and pick them up! Yes, and so we learn from this stranger, who happens to be from another star system, how to time travel. This is a rather exaggerated example but it does happen to some people, these major multidimensional experiences. In my case, on a personal level there are many, but one as of late, stands out which I will share.


But first let me clarify. To line up with sychronicity, we should listen and act, act in that moment, when it feels right and do this when the event or experience that has just occurred, feels like providence. When we keep our heads down and focused on the drama of daily life, we miss the chances given to us. It is about knowing when to jump into the window of opportunity and embracing what synchronicity has to offer. Because synchronicity is information, it is information from the other side saying yes this is the right choice. Don’t muddle it by over-thinking and over-analysing, because that is the other block to this process; human logic and over analysis. We mutter, this won’t work, I can’t do that, blah, blah, blah. Listen only to the hints that feel as though they are free from human manipulation and control, the ones that have no pain attached to them, unless it is a positive pain, as in letting go. It feels good to take that impulse that has a vibrant, healing energy to it and go with it.

Last year I spent the break between relief teaching with my children, going here and there, and really enjoying the freedom of not having to wake up in the morning not knowing which school I would be at that day, or which class I would be in. I love being a teacher, and at this time in my life it definitely felt like my destiny, but I was not happy. I did not agree with the way kids were lumped into large classes, with very little resources especially in the lower demographic schools, and the mentality of competitive comparison, of reward and punishment, never sat right with me. I knew there was a better way but I had no idea what it is was. I sat in limbo before the first term began and just accepted my fate. (Fate is different to destiny in that it comes into play when we live through old patterns of behaviour, yet destiny occurs when we live through the higher self). I had a client come for a Tarot reading a few days before I started work and she commented on my ‘Steiner Dolls’. I said what Steiner Dolls and she pointed to the felt medicine dolls I had been making to sell at markets. I laughed and said ‘They’re not Steiner dolls!’.


The next night I lay in bed and a name flashed in my head, like it was lit up on a billboard. ‘T. Miller’. I felt the presence of something yet it was not Rama. I felt dizzy and so researched this name. I found a website that said, Seth T. Miller, and something in me moved energetically, so I knew that was it. I scrolled down and saw another name that felt familiar; Frank Chester. It was an article about sacred geometry. I love this aspect of life so I read the article. This man had discovered a new Platonic solid he called the Chestahedron. This solid looked like a sacred object. It twigged something in me, something ancient, and so the next morning I began researching. I spent the whole day reading articles and watching Frank Chester lectures. The interesting question was, how had he discovered this solid and why was it significant to me? It turned out that he had been invited to a lecture at the Goethenum, a building in Europe designed by Rudolf Steiner. Seeing this building and hearing the lecture about Rudolf Steiner, sent him on an artistic journey that led to forming with clay, this seven sided solid.


Rudolf Steiner. The name echoed in my head like the chimes of a bell. My husband had been to a Steiner school when he was little, but it was a hippy school with odd ideas about food and maths. I really knew nothing but judgement of it. Two days before work began, my daughter had a play date. I dropped her off at her friend’s house and said a quick hello to the mum I was just getting to know. She had a friend sitting at her kitchen table. This lady was a rather sweet looking soul and so we began to chat. Very quickly the conversation turned to occupation and I asked her what she did. She said she had just enrolled at the Steiner Seminar, to do her diploma in Steiner Education. I remembered the dolls, and laughed saying to her, wow, that is very interesting. By the time she had expressed her view, which was very different to what I had been exposed to, I was home and on the phone to the school. Now here is the beauty of synchronicity, the timing of it all, feels divine, like providence. That is the energy of synchronicity. It was explained to me that I had made it one day before the cut off date to apply for VET help, which is basically a government loan, no up front fees. I was in, and within 24 hours I was sitting in the most beautiful building, opening up to a whole new way of teaching, a way of teaching I had always resonated with. But the last tiny kiss on the forehead from synchronicity, was the name, T. Miller. After a month of being at the Steiner Seminar, I researched further this man; Seth T. Miller. Turns out he was/is a University Lecturer on Rudolf Steiner, and an anthroposophical teacher. Huh, go figure.


So the twisty-turny, never predictable ways in which the spiritual realm leads us to our destiny, is through this beautiful phenomenon called Synchronicity. It is the Universe telling us to follow the tiny hints and nudges, it is divine information from our higher self, it is spirit speaking to us, lighting the way by placing white stones that glint in the moonlight along our soul path. So listen, watch and wait for that sign to activate in the physical, through events and experiences that are born out of a synchronistic synergy of energy-meets-matter. Allow it to trigger your own deep inner knowing that you have a purpose here on Earth. So find joy in fulfilling it, and don’t forget to look for those shining jewels left on your path by Source. There is so much to grasp that will bring you peace and purpose, you just have to have your hands open and ready to receive.

IMG_1864.JPGThis is where I hope sychronicity takes me one day, Rama’s home in India…

Let Your Light Shine

When I look at people clairvoyantly, I see the beauty of their whole being, their soul, all-encompassing and brilliant. It shines through to me, like a bright light, like sunlight on my face. But when I try to tell them this, or when they speak about themselves, so many people deny they are anything other than flawed and broken. They are filled with their own shadow self, which, in their eyes defines them. That light that I see, is overcome by the dark they focus on. Yet from what I have been shown by my spirit guide Rama, beyond this flawed physical, black and white, negative and positive duality, there is no resistance, there is no negative. That is to say beyond this physical world, is an existence without opposition, and without contrast. Contrast is anything that ‘Is Not’ us. Without contrast we would not know how to love the self. It is a necessary process of acceptance of the self, through the observation the ‘other’. For example I am short, but I only know I am short because I stand next to someone who is tall. Yet working with the contrast in the world, has a negative affect when we do not accept who we are. This negative affect is the creation of the shadow self. This shadow self contains all the negative behaviour that is  a direct result of  lack of self love, which means the light of who we are becomes blocked by the shadow self, created by self rejection. What our purpose here on earth to do is to love the self despite the state of separation and duality. This is what makes our light shine brightest.


There are processes we can go through to allow our light to shine bright, but first of all, let’s look at what this light is. Well, it is your divine self, devoid of baser human needs and desires. It is the deepest peace you feel without distraction, it is joy without attachment, love without expectation and acceptance based on the simple fact that you exist. Your light is a light straight from Source that flows down through the crown chakra into the heart chakra then crystallizes outwards, as an inward to outward creation of the physical expression of your being. This light is what holds your body in physical existence. It is the very reason you breath. So then, if this is the case, how did we get to be this way and why are we not living as divine beings, if that is what we are created from?


When we were created, we lived as divine beings, but then, when we densified, we became conscious beings with free will, a being that could say ‘no’, that could say ‘I choose not to love’, that could express individuality instead of a collective consciousness. Our thoughts became our own and we became independent of the spiritual beings that we existed alongside and who guided us every day through direct contact. These spiritual beings, call them Interdimensional beings, Angels, highly evolved Spirits, which ever you choose, were seen by us as we see each other now. But as our bodies became used to the sharp lines of physical reality that was forming in Gaia’s realm, we began to only see that which was not us. We began to see with eyes that tuned only, into the reality we live in now, the Maya, as Rama calls it. Once we did this, duality came into play, and through that which is not, through densifying and becoming separate from the spiritual realm, we lost our direct connection Source.


Now during this development into a physical world, darkness  played an important part in this process of free will because there had to be something that we could choose, that was not from the light. The point being, it would not be free will if we always had to choose the light. We learn to love in the most profound way possible when love becomes a choice. And what is it most of us struggle to do? Feel self love. The shadows and contrast are there to block the light by placing us in a position where we choose the light. I hope this makes sense because it has taken me years to see that I am not a victim, because I have had to choose to clear myself so the light shines through and so I live in the light as much as I can, which means I am not as dictated by shadow self, as I once was, even though my shadow self is still part of the human me and so, I accept it. But the question is, how do we tackle the shadow self to allow the light of us to shine through? We do it by consciously and lovingly removing the blocks that ‘block’ out the light. Let me explain…..

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Imagine a beautiful crystal clear bowl, sitting on a table, in a room. Now imagine a single light inside that crystal clear  bowl that shines so bright it fills the whole room, lighting everything up, covering all the walls with a warm glow. Now let’s place a stone inside that bowl next to the light, which blocks the glow a little and casts a tiny shadow on the white walls of the lit up room.

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Please know that nothing can put that light out, this is a universal law, but then imagine another stone placed next to the first one, let’s call these two, guilt and shame, and see in your mind’s eye, another tiny shadow cast, creating an even bigger shadow. Then continue placing stones around that light; rejection, abandonment, bullying, betrayal, and watch as the light becomes blocked and can no longer shine through the huge pile of stones, that now fills the whole bowl, and completely covers that beautiful light. The room is now dark, yet the light still exists, hidden inside that bowl. Now on the other side, the spirit guides and Angelic beings can see through those stones and the light shines as bright as ever. Yet from our side, in this world, the stones are dense and seem too heavy to move, and so we sit, in a dark room without light, held within the archetype and vibration of victimhood. This is what happens, when human beings, who face contrast and duality on a daily basis, do not know how to remove the stones that create the shadow and eventually block out the light.


My guide, Maria, the Lady From The Light, says that the perception we have in the Now is created by all of the preceding experiences we have been through over linear time and this has constructed a view of our reality. But it is not Truth. So we have to deconstruct these perceptions by going back to their source and then reevaluate their purpose. We need to ask; do the experiences that have created our perception, really have Truth? If not then we discard them. If they do sit in Truth, then we do the following; we accept their existence as having served some purpose. We forgive their existence and then we let them go, in the knowledge that they no longer need to dictate our perception in this new Now.


Stone by stone, we do this, taking each one out separately making an I Am statement, even if others are seen to be the cause, as in; ‘I Am responsible for its creation in some way, because I have created my reality’, and then we place this stone, in our mind’s eye, by a river bed, or under a tree and give it to Gaia, for our earth mother to hold for us. So, as each stone is taken out, the light is uncovered and slowly revealed. It is visible, and free, and able to shine again. We have taken responsibility for the stones we have placed in our crystal bowl and removed them one by one. But what needs to be truly understood, is that the key to this healing, to removing the shadow and giving them to Gaia, lies in acknowledging that the shadow exists, that it is necessary for our growth and then to see it clearly for what it is, a human failing only and not who we truly are.

On this plane, denial is the biggest block to our light. In archetypal knowledge in Tarot, The Devil’s greatest power lies in his ability to trick human beings into thinking there is no way out and what binds them to this belief, that there is no way out, is denying what blocks us. The stones that we have gathered belong to us, as our creation so we are never a victim and we are never stuck, because, using our free will, we can always take them out. We are loved and cherished beyond our wildest dreams, by the spiritual beings that sit in the realm which permeates this one, yet is invisible to the human eye. So accept your shadow self and do not be afraid of it. Rama tells me nothing negative sticks when we pass over, only the lesson remains and we will get to see how we have lived in our life review and learn from it. So start now, start the process of removing the shadow, one stone at a time because one tiny stream of light always, always attracts more light and this  will start a momentum of bringing in more light, one spark at a time, eventually filling the room. Nothing is ever lost, least of all us, so…..let your beautiful light shine, as the divine being you are.