I pose to myself an honest question: What is it to truly move on from being hurt? I had written an article I was proud of. But as I put my computer to bed after posting, zipping it up snuggly in its case, I was struck by the darkness of it, the poor me tone. It was in fact not a piece that brought me peace, it was a way to vent and play the victim. In that moment it was clear, I was still hurt and had not really healed.

I had been exploring the idea that the things that happen to us at the hands of other people, are not personal. I had read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and was so taken by his idea that when someone judges us, if we agree to their judgement it is like eating poison. Their view of us poisons our system. So to remove the personal importance gives us our power back.

Who had hurt me is not important, because I have experienced this kind of hurt before. What I had been exploring was, how did I bring about the same experience? What had I not been doing right and what had I not learned? I’d assumed the circumstances would not be repeated and so naturally when it occurred again the shame was just unbearable. I had to look at how I had drawn this to me, how I had been the cause of it? But when I read this book it gave me a sense of peace. However, it did not last, because as the negative treatment continued I could not escape the fact that it all did feel very personal.

The idea that we should take nothing personally, is a beautiful concept because it gives us a sense that we can let go of trying control other people’s behaviour. We can let go of the idea that we need to agree that we are less than. But I still I worried that if I didn’t take to heart what happened to me, particularly when I know I may have attracted the challenge into my life, then I would not learn from the experience.

In the short time from writing the article to deleting it, a day in total, I think I may have reached the understanding I had hoped for. Making it personal is selfish. It is egocentric. It is based in ego and the external world leaving us pinned down to pain. Maybe we can still learn from our mistakes and at the same time be in our own corner. Being made to feel small by others is something we all face, be it justified or not. There may be some who do not take on board what others think of them. If they are put down, or belittled they will just shrug it off as irrelevant to how they feel about themselves. But there are some, like myself who do take things personally and this is because, as Miguel explains in his book on some level we agree with those who degrade us. But maybe it is also because those of us who take things personally are open hearted people, we are easy targets. Maybe we look too much at how we affect others? Open hearted people by their nature worry about what other people think.

So then I return to the idea that if we do not take some things to heart we will not grow in our understanding of who we are and how we fall short. Where does the balance lie between taking responsibility for our own actions and refusing to take the actions of others towards us that are hurtful, personally? Both stand in their own right. I have to then ask how can we respond in a way that does not pull us into their energy, particularly if we want to grow from the experience and be responsible for our own actions? If you are an empath or a gentle soul then it is very hard to step away from that behaviour. We might be geared to feeling another’s feelings, even if those feelings are hostile towards us, simply so we can improve our own behaviour, or try to understand why others can be so cruel.

I am going to jump in and try to answer these questions I have posed.

First, don’t respond. People who have power over others enjoy it, particularly in the workplace. So don’t respond to them, or at least hold your tongue. I have never gotten anywhere when I have reacted. When someone has behaved in a way towards me that is hurtful, dismissive, divisive, any time I have reacted emotionally they have won and I have ended up feeling worse. That is why I felt powerless in my most recent experience; I reacted, I responded in a way that did not who reflect who wanted to be. I drank the poison and it poisoned my own purity. So if we do not take it personally then it is true we won’t drink their poison because reacting to them is drinking it and at the same time feeding their shadow self. If we can just be still and not say anything in the moment we are hurt, or not react then it diffuses the conflict. Another approach might be having the presence of mind to say something diplomatic, so if you can do that then yes, speak your mind. But do it in an impersonal way.

If we then have to look at our own behaviour it needs to be in the form of pondering and forgiving ourselves for not being perfect. Ponder what triggered your hurt. What was it that made you feel so small and then heal that, work with that rather than the actions of the other person. I know that I stopped trying to be Dharmic, I stopped caring and that was my failing. It also left me vulnerable. As my spirit guide says good dharma and right action will protect you. So next time I go into the same kind of space I will not be so blind, I will not take the actions of others personally and I will endeavour to act in way that makes me proud of myself.

So now that it is over and time to move on, I do find myself a bit stuck. So I did ask my guide for advice and had put this in the deleted article. I’d like to share it because the message wasn’t about not taking things personally at all, although this has helped me a great deal. I now see internally agreeing with others putting me down is like drinking poison. Instead the energy that came through was about creating my path in every moment from scratch, rather than a broken history that I would cling to. My history was finding myself bullied by others, people in positions of power. After my most recent experience I immediately assumed I had been to blame for it all. I did not behave perfectly, but none of us are perfect and given the extreme circumstances, I did my best. It is never about getting the upper hand. That is what I see now. It is about creating from wisdom gained through experience and creating without personal bias about my future.

This is what Rama said to me in my meditation…

You find yourself
In the quiet
In the quiet
You can find peace
Or hear the noise
In your mind
Reset at every moment
Know that
Each moment is new
Nothing is linear
There is no thread
Let me clarify -
You see life as linear
One line
Each moment linked to the next
This is somewhat true
As cause creates effect
But it may surprise you to know
Each moment is a birth
Each moment is born
Not in separation
But in wholeness
This wholeness 
Is linked - spherically
Not linearly 
All is held in that moment
All potential
Do you see?
It is the wholeness of potential
That each moment 
Is born out of
Not a restrictive line
That has no where to go
But in one direction
That is why at each moment
You can change
You can burst forth into any outcome
Yes energy builds 
And bias...is part of your birth
As your bias does influence
What comes next
This is why freedom and detachment 
From storylines
Is so important
Detach from the storyline
Create from freedom in your heart
Know you are never trapped
You simply choose based in what you know
Synchronicity comes into play
And predestined choices
That exist for your greatest good
But in all truth
There are no right or wrong choices and reactions 
That lead to punishment
Only consequences
Balancing is part of it all

DESTINY SYNCHONICITY BALANCE

You begin a story
And must see it through
Humanity's dream is a story
But you dear one are free to create 
A new story
In every new moment
That unfolds before you

So many spirits have told me there is no past or future, only the present. The history we have creates a bias, a tendency to frame what has happened to us in a restrictive story. But maybe if we know that each moment is created out of open and free potential that does not need to have a history, then we can create a new path that is not defined by others who have controlled us. I guess the trick is to use what we have learned and not collapse into bias and bad habits, to let go of the need for it to be personal and create with newness that we don’t have to punish ourselves for mistakes made under duress and control.

My beautiful Tibetan guide Lobsang said this…

The ideal life
Does not exist
Let negative and positive
Pass like clouds
Know that each polarity
Will move in and out
One replacing the other
In turn
And sometimes
In unison
It is the clinging
To one
or 
The other
That causes suffering
Finding peace within it all
Is the key 

This helped so much as it was clear my guide was saying, we cannot escape the negative and positive. I had to accept there was no ideal life, job, relationship. We just need to find peace in between the swing from one polarity to the other.